Parody instructions for
How to Play Craps
Original: Dec. 2000 • updated periodically since then
Craps is the casino dice game. Each player gets a chance to roll the dice, and the person rolling the dice is the shooter. So you put a chip on the Pass Line, and then you want the shooter to roll a seven, which is called a Dead Leprechaun, so that's why you'll hear the other players screaming, "Dead Leprechaun, Dead Leprechaun!" But if the shooter rolls a 3 or a 9, you lose, unless that 9 is made up of a 4 and a 5—if it's a 6 and a 3 instead, that's a Thunder Monkey, and it pays 3 to 2. Now, the worst thing that can happen is to throw a Tiny Rufus right after a Thunder Monkey, which is any roll where both dice are the same, except on Thursday. On a Thursday Thunder Monkey you'd get to make an additional bet as long as your first bet was between $2 and $7.50. But if the shooter doesn't automatically win or lose on the first roll, then the number becomes the Bastard, and that's why everyone wants to Nail the Bastard by rolling the same number again. Now, no matter what number has been rolled, if the shooter throws the dice so hard that they leave the table, he's said to be "cuddling Frankenstein", and has to give two of his chips to the youngest female player at the table. If there aren't any female players at the table, or if the shooter is younger than the oldest female, then he has to make a minimum 5-chip bet and roll with his eyes closed. If you bet on that roll then you win if any number below 8 comes up but you lose if the supervisor starts coughing up blood. Now, an Exploding Baby is when the same number comes up three times in a row, and the only thing worse than that is a Pregnant Midget. If you're lucky enough to roll Snake Eyes four times in a row, you get a $1-off coupon at the buffet, but if you roll Snake Eyes again after that your 401k will be canceled and your socks will be confiscated. You can get your socks back by rolling two 7's, but the only way to reclaim your 401k is to roll a 2, 3, 4, and 5 in order while the supervisor shows you naked pictures of your mom.
Now, stay with me here, because here's where it gets complicated: If you make a bet on the Pass Line, then you can't place any other bets except a Field Bet, Hardways, Big 6, Seven-Up, or Double Orange Latte. You never want to make more than three of these bets at a time, unless you're including a Seven-Up in which case you want to make all of them at once, except for the Field Bet. A player who bets all of these without excluding the Field Bet is called the Big Stinky by the other players and the cocktail waitress will stop serving him at that point, until he rolls a Tiny Rufus followed by a Chocolate Fetus (a 5 and a 6). At that point, he has the option of getting a 6 to 5 payout if he gets a Dead Leprechaun or even money if he rolls a Liver Smoothie, which is when the dice land closest to the player with the Hawaiian shirt. If he doesn't roll either of those, then the dice are handed to the next player, who isn't allowed to roll, and so play passes to the next player. That player isn't allowed to roll either, but the dice become "dead" when they hit the third dead player, so a new pair is chosen by the supervisor and given back to the first player. The only way to win at this point is to double down and hope that the shooter rolls an 11 before two non-consecutive Thunder Monkeys. Otherwise, all the other players get to punch you in the face, but the supervisor can't punch you too, unless you tipped less than $3.
(Now check out the real instructions for How to Play Craps.)